I Want it to be Over

I don’t know about you, but I’m so done thinking about this mess. I’m done watching the daily numbers go up. I’m tired of trying to wear something on my face that fogs up my glasses when I go shopping. I’m tired of cooking every meal at home. I’m tired of trying to find a quiet place to write when conference calls for work and school video conferencing are going on at the same time in different rooms. So today I put on Christian worship music, using my earbuds to block out all the other conversations.

Prayer:  Lord God, I am so done with this massive interruption to our lives. I am weary. My mind is tired of figuring out all the ways this is affecting me.  I don’t think I realized till today, when I desperately wanted to stop it all, that I have been fretting, striving and worrying for several weeks trying to make everything work at home.

God’s Word to us:  Truly you must stop and rest. Stop trying to figure out the date when this will be all over. Stop trying to figure out how you will be financially impacted by this. Stop trying to please everyone at home. It’s your turn to rest and put your worries in my hands. I already know the outcome. I have lovingly laid a path for you to walk on during this season. You are on it. So keep your head up and walk forward, step by step, one day at a time. You will get through it. I promise.

My Heart’s Cry  was to tell God I was done with this interruption. I was exhausting myself trying to figure out all the ways this could affect me and my family. His word “stop” was truly refreshing and exactly what I needed to hear. I was actually ready to hear those words. I had worn myself out trying to save us.. I think that is at the heart of what I was really feeling. Also, I was trying to save myself.

What do you need to stop? I needed to stop checking the daily stats. I needed to stop trying to figure out what our finances were going to look like after this was all over. And finally, I needed to stop complaining about what I was going to serve my family for food again in a few hours.

I read in the Bible this morning that Jesus had an answer to these things.

“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—
whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear.
Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing?
Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns,
for your heavenly Father feeds them.
And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are?
Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?
He will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?”

 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat?
What will we drink? What will we wear?’
These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers,
but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.
Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously,
and he will give you everything you need.

“So don’t worry about tomorrow,
for tomorrow will bring its own worries.
Today’s trouble is enough for today.”

I need to relax and be at peace. I need to stop my frantic motions of trying to figure out how to make everything work out. He already knows the timeline and the various outcomes.  I’m not the Savior, truly He is.

So I took a couple of days and stopped doing everything for everyone else. I rested. Took naps. Ordered food in. I told my family that mom needed a break. And they listened. I think they understood. But I know I can’t stay in this time of inactivity for much longer. I need to re-engage with my family. I need to care for their needs. But it needs to be different. I cannot sustain the continuous level of activity I was doing before God called me to stop.

This morning as I was drinking my coffee, a Guidepost magazine caught my eye. It was stuffed into the pocket of the glider rocker I sit in every morning.  I grabbed it and opened it up to the middle. There was an article on caregiving. I thought wow, that is what I am doing right now. During the days before all this, when everyone left home for the day, I was busy preparing for them to return, but my family wasn’t actually physically with me for the most part. Now it’s different because they are physically here and they have needs. As I read the article about a woman who lost her job and cared for her aging parents and special needs sister, I saw her struggle, just like I’m struggling. But she was thankful they were all together. I too am thankful we are healthy, safe and all together; but with that comes taking care of them at a different level. I need to accept that. I am really tired, maybe even burned out.

This song/prayer came to my mind.

“Spirit of the Living God
Fall fresh on me.
Spirit of the Living God
Fall fresh on me.
Melt me, Mold me, Fill me, Use Me.
Spirit of the Living God
Fall fresh on me.”

This song is the prayer of my heart as I move forward in these unusual times. I need the Holy Spirit to fall fresh on me daily in order to make it through the day. I started this blog post with the title: “I Want it to be Over.” But It’s not over. I can’t be done. I’m a mom and a wife. There’s no back door to these relationships and my current responsibilities. In order for it to be truly safe for my family, I need to be a safe person. And for that I need Jesus to help me. 

I needed to stop. I needed to rest. His words were right. And now I need Him to restore my soul, refresh me and fill me with His Holy Spirit. I need to pray and wait for Him to provide the wisdom for what is needed in the moment.

What about you, what do you need? Do you need to stop and rest? Do you need to stop trying to figure out the possible outcomes for our nation, state, city and your family?

Heed His words today.

Stop. Rest. And let Him fall fresh on you.

Kim

Portions of Matthew 6:25-34 NLT