Adult children are on their own paths as they navigate life. Many have distanced themselves from their parents, while others have completely shut down communication. This distance is particularly painful for mothers, who often feel hurt by the separation from their adult children. For so many years, these children relied on their parents for everything.
But now they have moved on, and there is a huge hole in a mom’s heart. But what hurts most is the lack of compassion and appreciation for a mom who has given her life (and her body) for the betterment of her children for two decades.
Imperfect parents raising imperfect children
During the busy years of child raising, there are some days when moms are tired and empty from all this output. Their attitude may one of irritation rather joyful. Or maybe the child has learned things mom doesn’t understand, so she is wary of listening to yet another conversation she doesn’t understand. In my own family, I had smart boys who shared what they learned, and I couldn’t for the life of me understand all the technical information they were trying to share.
Despite my best efforts, I could not be a perfect parent and be entirely present for my children. This led to deep regrets that only became apparent when my boys distanced themselves from me. I found myself searching for answers as to why they had chosen to leave, ignore my texts, quit answering phone calls, and avoid family gatherings or holidays.
As I reflected on our time together, I began to examine my actions to determine if I had done something to deserve this treatment. Naturally, I discovered several things I regretted. However, the question arose: what do we do with the regrets we have for not being everything we wanted to be for our children? The answer is that we must learn to forgive ourselves.
You see moms have open wounds that get hurt when they are bumped or scraped raw again. Moms have to undergo a holy process for this healing. Jesus is there holding the needle and thread. But he will not close a wound that still has debris left from the explosive moments in that relationship. The wound first needs to be cleaned.
Cleaning the wound
You can process through your regret by saying or writing this prayer. Write it down so you can go through each healing step for each regret. Let’s be honest, moms are full of guilty feelings and regrets. It’s time to let go of these. With what Jesus did on the cross, you have full access to the throne of grace. It is here that we take these regrets. The reality is that imperfect people raise imperfect children. We are all learning. We all get tired, hangry, overworked, and sometimes lack compassion.
After you deal with the obvious ones, ask the Holy Spirit to bring to mind any hidden ones so you can offer them up too. You may think of some later, when you do, deal with them right away.
Let go
First, let go of each regret.
So Mom, list out your regrets. Go over the main regrets and the little ones that came along with them. When you go through these steps, both speaking it out and writing it down may be helpful. I found it helpful to write it down because this process has several steps. When you make a list, like I did, you can easily remember each regret and go through each healing step. You can permanently delete the note, or if it’s on paper, rip it up or burn it when finished.
Next, give each regret to God in prayer.
I said, “Now I give you my regrets concerning this relationship, God.”
Casting all your anxieties on him because he cares for you. I Peter 5:7
Remember, God loves you and feels every one of your regrets. God heals your wounds.
Forgive Yourself
Forgive yourself by letting yourself off the hook for each of those things. Don’t excuse it, but let what Jesus did on the cross cover each regret.
So Mom, go through the list and say, I can forgive myself for_____________ because Jesus’ death paid for that.
Peace
When you finish that step, ask yourself, How does that feel? I felt a profound sense of relief and peace. Each declaration is like a stitch in a large wound—sewing and healing it. This sense of relief and peace is what you can look forward to as you forgive yourself for each regret.
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalms 147:3
Jesus’ way is to cleanse and bind up the wound and allow it time to heal. The confession cleaned it out. The declaration binds and closes it so it can now heal safely. You are on your way to true healing in the area.
Give Thanks
You may feel done, but there’s one more step: thank God for healing you. Giving thanks to Jesus, our Savior and giver of spiritual life is the final but crucial step.
The best thing about dealing with regrets is that you no longer have an open wound just waiting to get hurt again. It’s now closed. And even if it gets bumped, it doesn’t hurt like an open wound would. As we continue waiting for our prodigals to return, the hurt is much less.